the true love story

my mind struggles with the notion that at my deepest betrayal of you, that you still run to rescue me. every time. that these paths of 'little' sins take me so far away sometimes. before i realize it, i am so far from you. far from the life you freely give to me of real love and peace and life to the full. i get caught instead in the world of money and success and really anything but you. i can't imagine being in a friendship like that, or a marriage like that. one of constant forsaking. consistent distrust. like if a friend told me they trusted me, but acted otherwise, always questioning me. and my motives. but that's what our relationship often is. you offering me this unbelievable love story and me using it. just partaking of your love when everything else in my life makes sense. only trusting your love when all my other needs are met. the worst part is that i can fool people and even my mind sometimes, but you know my motives. you see my heart for what it really is. and that's what your love is at the core. that's the true love story. in my constant betrayal of you, you seek me out. you eagerly search for me in my hiding places in this world. and you continually offer me your complete love as if i hadn't ever turned my back on you. as if i never betrayed you. as if i never walked away from you. jesus, the love story you offer is the only thing that makes sense. so why do i quickly walk away every chance i get?

growing, growing, growing

the belly is slowly growing and growing. luckily instead of watching my waist line just get bigger, i get to enjoy kisses from my sweet high school girls. i love their excitement in this with me. it is almost overwhelming. they are a blessing to me.

and i will listen

'christ not only remembers us but remembers each one of us by name as surely as he remembered the good thief, and that he welcomes us to his table not in some sort of impersonal, churchly sense but as if the party wouldn't be complete without every last one of us.' Friedrich Buechner
-you call us by name. you battle for my heart. you are continually at the line fighting for me. you have each one of my days numbered and planned. you know my heart better than myself. let my spirit rest. let me live in your grip. in your open hand. you have taken care of it. you have planned my life so that if it at work for your glory. your love and grace pick me up out of sin. out of ugliness. out of hate and shortcomings. you call me by name. and i will listen.

baby girl

'only be careful, and watch yourself closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. teach them to your children and to their children after them.' -deuteronomy 4:9
sooooo, baby GIRL ott. she will be making her big debut on March 31, 2009. here she is in all her glory. our little one sucking her thumb.

among your flock

i am astounded by your mercy. in my world that is self righteous, self serving, and self consumed. i normally find it hard to listen to you. hard to find you. to seek you. but i am humbled at your love that finds me. it finds me in the chaos that i let this world put in my head. and in the priorities that the demons reshuffle. and even the idols that i hold in my heart. these clouds that i let settle inside tend to blur my perception of myself but more importantly, my perception of you. you know i am a sinner. yet someone that you love without question, without a doubt, literally to death. i am worthy of that kind of love in your eyes. not because i am worthy, but because the blood of your son is worthy. i forget daily that you are a god of purpose. a purpose that is unthinkable because it holds an end that is nothing of this place. an end of divine substance. you are a god of mercy. mercy in loving me in my humanness. and in my selfish love that normally forsakes you. i forget your sacrifices. i forget your almightiness and your word. i doubt my faith in a god that is righteous. i put aside your hopes for my good. and trust my own false hopes for my life and my good. i deny your power and rely on my own physical strength to do a work that i want to look like is for you. i decrease your importance and bring you my problems last. i daily dismiss you. find in my heart these feeble attempts to bow my heart to you. cast out all this world has made me and all that i have let steal your glory away, take it far from me. i want to be yours. to not know where you end and i begin. the god of wonder. of mercy and love. of power and wisdom. i want to be a merely a lamb among your flock.

keep my mind

keep my mind. keep my heart. grab them and hold them tight. help me to live one day at a time and at your command. i just want to do your will and seek it daily. nothing more and nothing less. but i just keep making a mess. prepare me for what's ahead, the blows to the heart and the traps in my head. keep my heart locked up until you so desire, not just when this loneliness begins to tire. make me a woman adorning with your grace. make me a woman full of your grace. make me a woman full of your faith. help me to love you full. to love you complete. the way you love me. put me in this world, working for your kingdom but living and breathing and sustaining only to be with you. my home is you. my love is you. my life is you. only you.

covering and comforting

thank you for human love when it is sweet. when it is a close picture of you. when it is respectful and honoring and full and comforting. it reminds us of your goodness. thank you that human love isn't enough. that it isn't holy or complete. or sinless or selfless. thank you that only you love us in the right way. that when human love fails us, that you meet us there in the pain, in the incomplete, the hurt, the disappointment. you show us this pain because it creates a void that only you seep into and rectify. it creates a hole that you fit into and mold into something beautiful. your love is pure. righteous. sweet. strong. simple. covering. comforting. poetic. innocent. and most of all true. thank you for your beauty. your majesty. your almighty power. your forgiveness. for loving me with strength that overcomes my weakness.

close your fist.

take these stresses. take them into your hand. close your fist. and lock them away. hold onto them tightly and don't listen when i ask for them back. please whisper a little bit louder that i am yours. that you won't let me fall. that i am made in your image and beautiful by design. whisper ever so loudly that i am here in your hand. right where you need me to be.