Friday, February 27, 2009
i love the picture of jesus that i got today. the tireless savior. jesus, you were relentless. after a long journey of countless miracles that span a variety of things like healing the blind and bringing salvation to Zaccheus' home, after all this you were still not hopeless enough to give up on us. after seeing how much we need, take, use and want, you continued on. nothing caused you to quit. nothing was too much. in spite of all this, you didn't change your journey...your life. i am amazed at your faithfulness to us. to me. your selflessness and your understanding of god's will. lord, i pray for this diligence. this discipline. this trust. this faithfulness. i pray for understanding to know god's will for me enough to not stray from my own journey. i pray that i can finally trust that you are good. for the wisdom to seek the real you and not my own thoughts about who you should be in my life. but mainly, i pray for a faithfulness that may finally embrace you. jesus, allow me to rest in you. to really let go of me and be in you. lord, you long for my whole heart. you long for complete dying to myself so that i can fully experience your glory. your love. your eden that you have for me. lord, i know your truth. and i know it is the giver of life. fill me with your life. take my mind by force so that i can fully embrace who you really are. i long for your safe arms of righteousness and holiness. i long to be fully yours.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
i know you redeem and sanctify. you glorify and you answer. i watch the minutes on the clock tick down almost waiting for you to show up. praying that you will. i keep battling the disbelief that i am at this alone. my heart knows that you are already here, somewhere in this mess i created. but my mind struggles to fall in line behind it. i want to scream out. i want to run far away. i feel like all i really am is the wreckage of a passing thought. i can't escape my mind that swirls every which way. as i try to swallow the lump away, i search for the joy. the joy in love. the joy in life. and i know you are here somewhere. i just can't let myself go. how did i get so big in my world. how do i let all the stuff block you. block your joy over me. your love for every part of me. once i let a little dark in, the rest came pouring in. its that dark that stays dark. i keep it dark. i want to lay it at your feet. to see your light overwhelm the dark. let me believe your love for me. that you call me by name and that you DO show up. 'there may be sixty wives, all queens, but i would still choose my dove, my perfect one.' (song of songs) you say those words to me. that i am your perfect one. yet i still struggle to believe it. lord, i know you are here in this. and even in my mistakes, my excuses, my justifications and my sin...that i am still your perfect one. allow me to understand the depth of that love for me. allow me to rest in that love. i know it breeds freedom in the dark.