my perfect one

i know you redeem and sanctify. you glorify and you answer. i watch the minutes on the clock tick down almost waiting for you to show up. praying that you will. i keep battling the disbelief that i am at this alone. my heart knows that you are already here, somewhere in this mess i created. but my mind struggles to fall in line behind it. i want to scream out. i want to run far away. i feel like all i really am is the wreckage of a passing thought. i can't escape my mind that swirls every which way. as i try to swallow the lump away, i search for the joy. the joy in love. the joy in life. and i know you are here somewhere. i just can't let myself go. how did i get so big in my world. how do i let all the stuff block you. block your joy over me. your love for every part of me. once i let a little dark in, the rest came pouring in. its that dark that stays dark. i keep it dark. i want to lay it at your feet. to see your light overwhelm the dark. let me believe your love for me. that you call me by name and that you DO show up. 'there may be sixty wives, all queens, but i would still choose my dove, my perfect one.' (song of songs) you say those words to me. that i am your perfect one. yet i still struggle to believe it. lord, i know you are here in this. and even in my mistakes, my excuses, my justifications and my sin...that i am still your perfect one. allow me to understand the depth of that love for me. allow me to rest in that love. i know it breeds freedom in the dark.