drifting along

jesus, as i search for you in my life...in decisions, in joy, in sorrow and along the road of patience, i find myself drifting along. i wish i could say that i fight for you always. the times when my pride says that my way is better than yours. i want to say that instead of giving in that i fight hard for your beauty in all things. that i fight for the you in me. the truth. that i seek your character and let it play out through me. but really i am drifting along allowing comfort to be my way of life. allowing this world to define so many things for me. but i hope for more. and i still hope for tomorrow's fight for you. the hope that i will seek your face first. that i will put on your armor of grace and mercy and not just wear it for me but also to extend it out.

in paradise...

i love being able to read my old journals and escape back into the emotions that fill the pages. this one is from when i was on my honeymoon.
5-9-07
i sit and look out at the blue ocean from our bungalow. as the sun sets, it casts a rainbow on the untouched trees. there is a mystery about the mountain. no one has climbed it. there is jungle surrounding it. it makes me think of your power. your hidden blessings. your glory ungiven. things we don't even know about. the trees so green. your power so vast. an older couple are our new neighbors. they were playing out in the water. i saw your beauty in their joy. your sovereignty. your life in our life. every piece of it. you live through it all with us. the hard pain. the depths that our souls fall. the depths that they sink until they cling enough to you to soar above the ashes. you live in the heights. and the depths. as we laugh and feel joy. you are that joy. and you want every piece. you are here with me. you answer my pleas. not because i deserve it. not because i wished hard enough. but because i am yours. because you seek my heart. today as i sit in silence in paradise, i feel you. i feel your love. your power. your mercy. i know not to fall into expectancies, but thank you for the joy in my husband's eyes tonight. i saw a glimpse of what is to come. a small glimpse of hope. this moment of waiting on you. i ask for more of these moments. for the intimacy you speak of in song of songs. for the gift of joy in marriage. for the heights and the depths. i pray that we seek you in both. but that we seek you first, each other second, and ourselves finally last. may we see your beauty and love for us in new ways as we learn to ministry to each other. praise your sweet name, jesus.

you speak my name.

let me rest here in you. think about the beauty in the crisp morning air. the moon is still clear. you are big. you are sovereign. you refine me. even as i pull at you. seeking you for my own. seeking my own glory. my own voice. my own will. my own righteousness. and trying to do all this with my own power. i create this world around me that often looks pretty. flowery words. and even prideful humbleness. all you want is for me to step back. to turn my seeking to you alone. and for me to stop grabbing at you and taking only what i want. all you want is for me to let you in. to acknowledge your presence here amidst the discipline i try so hard to make look like you. it only looks like me. you stay. you press on for my heart. you love my heart even still. i am yours. you speak my name. you speak my name.

the loneliness

lord, i know this lonely feeling is you. it is your whisper in my ear. your gentle nudge at my back. the giver of fullness with your sweet reminder . only you will satisfy. i've heard it called the ache. this feeling in the pit of my stomach. it seems to follow me some days. it won't let me go tonight. it always creeps up when i least expect it. after 2 weeks of family...i feel the ache. the loneliness. the simple reminder that we aren't made for this. this worldly life. we all long for something more. something that will heal our broken heart. or something that will fill the void we try to cram so much into. something that will speak right to our hurt. i always thought the loneliness would disappear after i got married. because i thought loneliness was just lack of someone. but i've come to see that loneliness is lack of you. of your love. of your council. and sometimes i hope its you just telling me that you want some time with me. jesus, i pray that i seek you. that i allow you to fill this void i describe. that i know that this loneliness just means that you are out there. that it means that i am seeking after you to be my something more. you are the broken heart healer. and the void filler. the right answer to our hurt. thank you that you remind me that this world that is not right. and that you are right. you are the only thing that is right. thank you that you are the cure for the loneliness.