i haven't been blogging much since my mom went to the hospital. she is still there and hopefully will fully recover from a crazy brain injury that started about 4 weeks ago. we are hoping to get her talking really soon. she has said a word here and there out of reaction and it made me realize how much i missed her voice. this whole process has made me look at death completely differently. i've had grandparents pass, but this is something all together different. having eternal life and knowing we are not made for this world creates in me a sigh of relief on death. just like the song...the sting of death is gone. but as this whole thing has unfolded i have realized that as much as i say that...the truth is...the sting of death is not gone (in the earthly sense). there is still human emotions tied up in the absence of someone. and watching my sweet mom in a hospital bed for this long has been a nightmare. to talk to her and then only get a confused look or even no look back has been a journey of redefining everything that is important. i feel like i have been walking around with a lump in my throat for 4 weeks. on the verge of weeping every moment. and i've felt completely exhausted: emotionally, spiritually and physically.
i have been thankful for the knowledge of my weakness at times. to know that all i've got is the knowledge of god being in control and that he loves my mom more than i do. i have been thankful for my sweet husband who lets me weep when i need to. let's me race over to the hospital when i need to. but also takes joy in every baby step sometimes more than i let myself. i have been thankful for my kids. harper is the most joyful little thing. singing constantly and being silly all the time. and my sweet huck can remind me of god's grace in just his smile. i have been thankful for this new closeness with my dad. to be in this together. to pray for her together. to cry for her together and to try to rejoice in the things together. i see his love for her differently. as i watch him stand by her. to literally be by her side. to be her advocate. to hear him talk about her. to love her deeply. to mourn deeply. to miss her deeply. this is love. it's really hard at times. REALLY hard. but it makes life more real. more sweet. more fun. more holy. i'm not sure how people that don't believe in jesus do it. how can you really love someone more than yourself without jesus? how can you put someone before yourself without jesus? and really, why would you want to? with jesus the lens in life changes. this love for others makes sense because the ultimate sacrifice was made. and it makes us want to be better.
i feel like this whole process right now...at christmas (my mom's favorite holiday) has really taken the cheesy and the cliche and the commercial out of a very sacred holiday. it has given me a new sense of expectancy. although for a different reason, i have grown expectant and anxious and faithful that my mom will come back to us. it has made me rethink that night of jesus' birth. the expectancy in mary's heart. the knowledge and the faith that god's promise is real. that she would really give birth to the savior of the world. i'm not pregnant but i feel like i have a new knowledge and faith of god's promise being real. that these desires of getting my mom back are not in vain. that god is faithful to his people (Lam 3:23) but also that he does not disappoint (1 Cor 13:7). i have a new sense of hopefulness and desperation. i'm hopeful and faithful that His word is real and true. i'm desperate for that truth. that jesus was really born. and really died so that we could have eternal life. i'm desperate for that to be true. because what would it mean in the midst of this is it weren't true? i can't bear to think of that. i can't bear to know that it isn't true. with the truth of the gospel all of this isn't so scary. it isn't so awful. and it isn't so lonely. i'm desperate for jesus. as i watched harper hold her candle at church on christmas eve i was somehow thankful for all of this. i was reminded of my sheer need for jesus. my desperate need of something bigger than myself. of the hope that the truth of the gospel makes life make sense. that i need jesus not just because i'm a sinner but because i have no control over life. and that even if i did i would mess everything up. i was reminded of light that jesus is in such a dark world. we are free because he was born into a sinful, needy world so that we could have it all. 'he makes beautiful things out of dust'. i'm desperate for jesus this christmas. i am weary and expectant. just as it should be.
"a thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."