the in between

I hear that it's the in between that really transforms you. Not the easy day to day life. And the pain is where who we really are and what we really believe is tested. But it's the in between changes you. When you have to step out into the unknown. That first step is the one that really changes you. Like when Peter stepped out of the boat, toward a voice asking him to trust (Matthew 14). That letting go of the control you have. The easy everyday life you've come to know so well. I feel like that's where I am. But it looks so familiar here. I know I've been here before. I've heard this faint whisper of the Lord. The begging in His voice to trust him. I'm out of the boat Lord, but I am so much like Peter sometimes. I let the doubt creep in. So quickly I start to sink. Jesus, let me hold onto that sweet voice of reassurance. But more than that, remind me daily of your real character. The coming of Jesus to the disciples out in the storm on the sea. Jesus, that is who you are. You walk out to me. You walk out in rough waters so that I will trust you. You call me to yourself. You tell me not to be afraid. Then you ask me to step out to you. To follow you. You need me to wait in that in between for you. After that first step on that wobbly ground. You want my own world stripped away so that I can really see you. You want full dependence, love, trust, and honor. I have been here before. Learning this same lesson. Lord, let me be thankful for glimpses of you that can only happen when my control is taken away. Jesus, I love your pursuit of your children. Of me. That you walk out to us in a raging storm. And that after all that, the walking on water, the doubting Peter in all of us, that you still calm the storm.

'it's all right,' he said, 'i am here! don't be afraid.' mark 6:50

beauty like this.

You are off in a far away place. Enjoying fun and friends. I can almost hear your laugh. And almost see your smile. I miss you tonight. I have been daydreaming about what our life will look like soon...when 2 become 3. I have the windows open tonight. The night air is softly touching my skin as I lay in our bed. There is a peace that fills this room. A peace in my thoughts and a peace in my prayers. A peace that centers in the beauty that abounds. Beauty in the clear night sky full of stars and the big moon. Beauty in the smell of spring creeping in. Beauty in a God that gives purpose and meaning to a world full of desperation and longing. But the beauty in my peace tonight is knowing this night would be even more complete with you next to me. The air would smell better. And the moon would shine brighter. And the stars prettier. I miss you tonight. I pray for you tonight. I pray for us. And I pray that I would let this peace that I understand in a new way tonight be a sweet reminder in the push and pull. In the moments that get gritty and hard. I pray that it is peace and beauty like this that I contrast against the muck. The muck that in the end makes the relationship worth it. The sweet reminder that in the push and pull...you still make the air smell better. And make these stars look prettier. I miss you tonight. And I pray for you and for us. And for a peace in the beauty that abounds in us. I pray for her. That we show her what love really is. Not love from just the words 'i love you' but Godly love that overcomes sin. That heals. That hopes. That trusts. It really seems impossible most days. But tonight as the moon light is pouring in our room. And as this quiet over takes the dark, noisy world...anything seems easy. If God can create beauty like this, anything seems easy.

cut and paste

'and there is something profoundly humbling about knowing god. i'm not talking about the trinket god or the genie in a bottle god, i mean the god who invented the tree in my front yard, the beauty in my sweet heart, the taste of a blueberry, the violence of a river at flood.' f.b.
-god is the creator of beauty. we have a paradise at our finger tips. love. the stars. the moonlight. generosity. laughter. grace. redemption. beauty is nature and forgiveness. beauty is wonder and passion. beauty is clouds and sky. beauty is kindness and obedience. you created beauty. the heavenly. the holy. open my eyes to the beauty you have put around me. show the beauty that is a gift for me. reveal the beauty in the things i miss around me. teach me the works of your hands. come to my heart as the big god that you are and let me let go of the god i continue to try to cut and paste into my own will. into my world. your will is beauty. let my will be dust.