the in between

I hear that it's the in between that really transforms you. Not the easy day to day life. And the pain is where who we really are and what we really believe is tested. But it's the in between changes you. When you have to step out into the unknown. That first step is the one that really changes you. Like when Peter stepped out of the boat, toward a voice asking him to trust (Matthew 14). That letting go of the control you have. The easy everyday life you've come to know so well. I feel like that's where I am. But it looks so familiar here. I know I've been here before. I've heard this faint whisper of the Lord. The begging in His voice to trust him. I'm out of the boat Lord, but I am so much like Peter sometimes. I let the doubt creep in. So quickly I start to sink. Jesus, let me hold onto that sweet voice of reassurance. But more than that, remind me daily of your real character. The coming of Jesus to the disciples out in the storm on the sea. Jesus, that is who you are. You walk out to me. You walk out in rough waters so that I will trust you. You call me to yourself. You tell me not to be afraid. Then you ask me to step out to you. To follow you. You need me to wait in that in between for you. After that first step on that wobbly ground. You want my own world stripped away so that I can really see you. You want full dependence, love, trust, and honor. I have been here before. Learning this same lesson. Lord, let me be thankful for glimpses of you that can only happen when my control is taken away. Jesus, I love your pursuit of your children. Of me. That you walk out to us in a raging storm. And that after all that, the walking on water, the doubting Peter in all of us, that you still calm the storm.

'it's all right,' he said, 'i am here! don't be afraid.' mark 6:50

beauty like this.

You are off in a far away place. Enjoying fun and friends. I can almost hear your laugh. And almost see your smile. I miss you tonight. I have been daydreaming about what our life will look like soon...when 2 become 3. I have the windows open tonight. The night air is softly touching my skin as I lay in our bed. There is a peace that fills this room. A peace in my thoughts and a peace in my prayers. A peace that centers in the beauty that abounds. Beauty in the clear night sky full of stars and the big moon. Beauty in the smell of spring creeping in. Beauty in a God that gives purpose and meaning to a world full of desperation and longing. But the beauty in my peace tonight is knowing this night would be even more complete with you next to me. The air would smell better. And the moon would shine brighter. And the stars prettier. I miss you tonight. I pray for you tonight. I pray for us. And I pray that I would let this peace that I understand in a new way tonight be a sweet reminder in the push and pull. In the moments that get gritty and hard. I pray that it is peace and beauty like this that I contrast against the muck. The muck that in the end makes the relationship worth it. The sweet reminder that in the push and pull...you still make the air smell better. And make these stars look prettier. I miss you tonight. And I pray for you and for us. And for a peace in the beauty that abounds in us. I pray for her. That we show her what love really is. Not love from just the words 'i love you' but Godly love that overcomes sin. That heals. That hopes. That trusts. It really seems impossible most days. But tonight as the moon light is pouring in our room. And as this quiet over takes the dark, noisy world...anything seems easy. If God can create beauty like this, anything seems easy.

cut and paste

'and there is something profoundly humbling about knowing god. i'm not talking about the trinket god or the genie in a bottle god, i mean the god who invented the tree in my front yard, the beauty in my sweet heart, the taste of a blueberry, the violence of a river at flood.' f.b.
-god is the creator of beauty. we have a paradise at our finger tips. love. the stars. the moonlight. generosity. laughter. grace. redemption. beauty is nature and forgiveness. beauty is wonder and passion. beauty is clouds and sky. beauty is kindness and obedience. you created beauty. the heavenly. the holy. open my eyes to the beauty you have put around me. show the beauty that is a gift for me. reveal the beauty in the things i miss around me. teach me the works of your hands. come to my heart as the big god that you are and let me let go of the god i continue to try to cut and paste into my own will. into my world. your will is beauty. let my will be dust.

the true love story

my mind struggles with the notion that at my deepest betrayal of you, that you still run to rescue me. every time. that these paths of 'little' sins take me so far away sometimes. before i realize it, i am so far from you. far from the life you freely give to me of real love and peace and life to the full. i get caught instead in the world of money and success and really anything but you. i can't imagine being in a friendship like that, or a marriage like that. one of constant forsaking. consistent distrust. like if a friend told me they trusted me, but acted otherwise, always questioning me. and my motives. but that's what our relationship often is. you offering me this unbelievable love story and me using it. just partaking of your love when everything else in my life makes sense. only trusting your love when all my other needs are met. the worst part is that i can fool people and even my mind sometimes, but you know my motives. you see my heart for what it really is. and that's what your love is at the core. that's the true love story. in my constant betrayal of you, you seek me out. you eagerly search for me in my hiding places in this world. and you continually offer me your complete love as if i hadn't ever turned my back on you. as if i never betrayed you. as if i never walked away from you. jesus, the love story you offer is the only thing that makes sense. so why do i quickly walk away every chance i get?

growing, growing, growing

the belly is slowly growing and growing. luckily instead of watching my waist line just get bigger, i get to enjoy kisses from my sweet high school girls. i love their excitement in this with me. it is almost overwhelming. they are a blessing to me.

and i will listen

'christ not only remembers us but remembers each one of us by name as surely as he remembered the good thief, and that he welcomes us to his table not in some sort of impersonal, churchly sense but as if the party wouldn't be complete without every last one of us.' Friedrich Buechner
-you call us by name. you battle for my heart. you are continually at the line fighting for me. you have each one of my days numbered and planned. you know my heart better than myself. let my spirit rest. let me live in your grip. in your open hand. you have taken care of it. you have planned my life so that if it at work for your glory. your love and grace pick me up out of sin. out of ugliness. out of hate and shortcomings. you call me by name. and i will listen.

baby girl

'only be careful, and watch yourself closely so that you do not forget the things your eyes have seen or let them slip from your heart as long as you live. teach them to your children and to their children after them.' -deuteronomy 4:9
sooooo, baby GIRL ott. she will be making her big debut on March 31, 2009. here she is in all her glory. our little one sucking her thumb.